Month: April 2021

How To Apologize To Your Kid

After the discussion on why to apologize to your kid, it is time to put it into action. So, here we are: How to apologize to your kid.

It is not a child’s play to apologize to your junior version. A casual sorry tossed at the child can do utmost harm than any good. The after-effects of a botched up/slapdash attempt at trying to make up with a child can linger on and create havoc with a child’s and parent’s lives. So, beware and think over before saying sorry. It matters how to apologize to your kid.

As is the case in most aspects, there are 101 ways to screw up apologizing to your kid. However, the correct way is limited to just one. So, here goes the list of don’ts and at the last – a single do to apologize to your kid.

Apologize To Your Kid Personally

There will, normally, not be a tag-team action from the parents to hurt the child. It will be a case of one parent taking a lead in sledging the kid and the other parent trying to douse the fire. The one, who ignites, has the responsibility to put out the blaze with the child.

In the most Indian scenario, the mother tops in frequency at taking it out on the kid but the father does the maximum damage. Now, this is a problem on hand. The Indian culture does not expect the man to clean up the dirty linens he has left behind. So, more often than not, the father behaves like the man that he is and not as a father that he should be. Meaning, he does not apologize to the kid.

I have learnt from my personal experience that the mother apologizing on behalf of the father serves no purpose. I have also learnt that the well-meaning relatives – grandmothers/aunts can apologize as a substitute on behalf of the rampaging father, but again, it is a fruitless exercise with zilch benefits. The accountability to apologize to your kid cannot be outsourced to anyone.

The child has to be apologized to by the parent who has hurt the child. If the offender is a father, he has to learn to be a man – Learn to own up to his child and say sorry.

Do Not Seek Forgiveness

The parent does not know what he/she has made the child go through. There is no way to know what the young mind has endured in the frenzy that the so-called adult has conferred on the poor kid. Limit the damage by expressing regret and don’t try to over-do the repair job.

More often than not, the slinging saga shall be repeated by the parent and the kid will not at all find amusing at the second/third time – the forgiveness drama. The try at generating the positivity vibe is good, but if you are so good, then there would have been no need to apologize in the first place. So, stay put.

A plain vanilla regret to the child will suffice and not an overkill of pity/mercy/amnesty.

To  Apologize Is Not A Learning Opportunity For the Kid

Of all the ways and means to screw up an apologizing job, the worst is to treat it as a learning opportunity for the kid. No, it is not. You have made a mistake and hence you have to own up. Do not apologize as a ploy to try and teach a kid the benefits of apologizing, how to apologize etc. To do this is the heights of hypocrisy/pretence from the parent.

If the parent can’t do any good to the child, at least he/she should not further the harm by the apology deceit.

Once An Apology Is Tendered, Give The Child A Break

Ok, great, the parent has apologized to the kid. So, what should the kid do? Jump with joy and hug the parent. Maybe/maybe not. He/she has the right to sulk and be in a bad mood for the time he/she chooses.

Please do not rush the child and expect the regular behaviour to resume ASAP, even if you have apologized. You have not done a great favour to the child by apologizing, you have just done what you brought it upon yourself by shouting at the hapless kid.

You Apologize For Your Behaviour

An apology can go into details/finer points, but limit it to yourself. Do not try to intertwine the child’s behaviour and try to make him/her responsible for what you did. Similarly, do not try to bring in extraneous circumstances as an excuse. This is not called an apology but passing the buck. It is not a nice thing to do.

How To Apologize To Your Kid

As soon as you realize you have hurt your child, immediately and honestly own it up. Say – I am sorry for what I did/said. I have hurt you and I should not have done so. I am sorry.

It is easier said than done. I just keep telling myself that whatever else I do/speak about is going to worsen the situation, so keep quiet and apologize.

What’s your say on how to apologize to your kid?

PS: I am a stay-at-home father to six-year-old twin daughters, growing up together with my children. The above thoughts are an expression of parenting is having an opinion, getting involved and trying to better.

Stand UP, Speak OUT!!! #IAmAParent.

Why To Apologize To Your Kid

Parenting involves tasks: planned/unplanned, routine/one-off, joyous/miserable, silly/mature. No task is lesser than the other or more important than the one up next. However, some of the tasks never get the attention they deserve from the parents. One such task: Apologize To Your Kid.

One might feel there is something wrong here. The child has to learn to apologize (this is an acceptable topic in parenting discussions). After all, the kids are always up to something that they should not be doing. The kids have every reason to apologize though they won’t. Saying sorry and owning up needs to be taught to kids and can be spoken about by parents.

But, a parent has to apologize! That too, to the child!! One’s own child!!!

Parents Make Mistakes, Too

The basic tenet: Humans make mistakes. When humans falter, they own up and express regret. Now, it so happens that parents are humans too. If humans can make mistakes, so can parents. If humans should/are expected to apologize, why not parents? Why would apologizing to one’s kid be a taboo subject?

The issue seems to be with popular culture. Somehow, somewhere, the thinking that has taken roots is that the parents do not make mistakes when it comes to their children. The parents have the best interests of their children in mind and actions, so whatever they do/don’t do has to be/is fine. The parents are next only to Gods, rather even more than Gods, for they are living Gods.

Well, parents, as mortals, can end up taking out their frustrations at their children for no fault of theirs. The child could make a tiny mistake, but end up hearing an earful because the parent had a bad day at the office.  Or even worse, the child did not do anything wrong but he/she was the only one the parent could take it out on.

The kid wants quality time and attention from the parents, but they are into their screen time. The child wants to voice/share his/her feelings/aspirations, the parents are busy with their rat-race/lives. Or, the parent is actually trying hard to do some good/worthwhile for the child, but the child has some other ideas.

At the best of times, even if the intention is right, the execution can go horribly wrong. And at times, even the so-called right intention gets misplaced/mistimed/misdirected. The parents can get it wrong – transactional/strategic/behavioural/plain bad luck. Who’s the adult in all these? Who has to own up? Why invoke notions of parents as holier-than-thou?

Doesn’t the child deserve an apology?

Change The Narrative

The social/professional life requires an adult to own up if he/she has goofed up. Yes, high and mighty, powerful and influential, gets away without owning up. Somehow, the parenting seems to mirror this real-life scenario. The child can be intimidated, is helpless to snap and vulnerable to be taken for a ride without a helmet. In short, no apologizing required by the parent.

Do we see examples of a public apology by parents to their children? Do we get to hear about private apology by parents to their children? Leave aside public/private apologies, have we known about our grandparents apologizing to our parents? Most importantly, have we ever been apologized to by our own parents? A resounding No. There is no precedence of a parent apologize to his/her kid.

Come on, he/she is just a child. The kid won’t even remember tomorrow what happened today. My parents did not apologize to me and I turned out fine. What’s the fuss? Well, the child has the full range of emotions and does have a strong memory than he/she gets credit for. Moreover, isn’t there that tiny reminiscence wherein you feel your parents could have done better?

In nutshell, the chequered past/misplaced notions cannot be the reason for junking an upright behaviour. If a certain aspect needs a change in thought and application, so be it. The logic that it has not been challenged till now so it’s fine, is outrightly flawed and makes us Neanderthal. Lack of sensitivity on parental apology to children is a sure-shot candidate for this distinction.

Apologize To Your Kid

Parents feel that they have every right to an apology from their children. They might as well learn to give one back – an honest regret.

Parents try hard to make their children decent human beings. They might as well accept that they too are humans enough to make a mistake when it comes to their children and raise a hand to it.

Parents want to teach owning up and saying sorry to their children. They might as well walk the talk by owning up and saying sorry themselves to their children.

It is a fundamental right of a child to receive an apology from the parent, as and when the parent – the human screws up. (Coming Next – How To Apologize To Your Kid).

What’s your say?

PS: I am a stay-at-home father to six-year-old twin daughters, growing up together with my children. The above thoughts are an expression of parenting is having an opinion, getting involved and trying to better.

Stand UP, Speak OUT!!! #IAmAParent.